Howdy. Hope you're not in the mood to see any animated .gifs (ptui) or exciting Java applets (double ptui), because you've arrived at the wrong page for any of that. Most pages one sees on the web are fairly devoid of anything except stuff that takes a long time to download, and I don't want my page to be that way. A home page should, if I may be so bold, be quick to load and have something worth reading once it is loaded. This page is probably only worth reading if you know me or are trying to answer the question, "Who is that jerk in alt.folklore.urban?"

This has been optimized for use with Lynx (HA!) and Hercules graphics (Double HA!) Being a text curmudgeon about the web is fun on mailing lists, but get real. It's not like I'm insisting that the Web be a gore-fest of image maps and twinkling icons, but damn, monochrome CRTs are so old school.

What You Can Find Here and Where Here Can Take You

If it's trivia you want, I can suggest no better place than visiting Harry's Vital Statistics Page, a page solely created to add another link to a nigh-pointless web effort. I've been informed by reputable third parties that the page is self-celebratory. I can live with that.

For extra bonus trivia, visit the most trivial place on Usenet, alt.folklore.urban. It's the equivalent of a loud and obnoxious party, hosted by people you hate and crashed by folks you want to see dead. It wasn't always like that: once upon a time, the hosts were nice and the guests polite. Now it's a quagmire of indignant wrath, but I've been there for years and can't seem to give it upcompletely. (I used to be a nice host, but I've turned to the Dark Side and hunt down Jedis for the Emperor.) If you're interested in the AFU FAQ, then you're clearly of superior genetic stock and should be justifiably and righteously disdainful of your cow orkers who aren't.

The Archive Formerly Known As Cathouse is online at its new home, www.tafkac.org. All (well, most) of the great things you saw in the AFU FAQ have other materials archived here for your reading pleasure. Feel free to avail yourself of this precious natural resource. I did a small logo for the archive, which you can see to the left. If there's anything about it that confuses or frightens you, send by prepaid mail a photo of yourself, two dead creeping charlies, and a self-addressed stamped envelope to: the Old Hat Anti-Smiley Iconoclasts, One AFU Plaza, New York, New York, c/o Young Harry Teasley.

In compliance with the ISO9000 requirements for Personal Web Pages, I have included pictures of my children. Why not visit Harry's Gratuitous Photo Page, where you can see the mugs of some of the good folks collaborating to make my life such as it is.

You can also find my Monty Hall Page here, wherein I explain the notorious Monty Hall Problem for anyone who doesn't understand it, and for people who need new strategies to explain it to people who aren't buying it yet. But they will, oh yes, they will.

For me, the only point of the Internet is communication with the people you find on it: beating up on your lessers is always good exercise, but real discourse with folks who still know how to engage in it is the chief joy to be found here, and always will be. Sure, there's neat stuff like:

the Library of Congress web page,

Amazon.com, still an excellent bookstore (although Powell's Books is truly amazing as well),

Octavo Digital Rare Books, without question the greatest application of computer technology the world has ever seen,

The Onion, Number One in News,

Old Man Murray Game Reviews, the Charles Bukowski of misanthropic geek-boy gaming sites,

but the really cool bits of the Net are where you get to talk to people who specialize in subjects you wouldn't be caught dead taking seriously, so you get to feel all worldly while someone else has to suffer with being the English Lit grad student.

The Net is also filled with undesirables, reprobates, and vicious hooligans of all stripes. These net.kooks are really annoying and can make your life truly unpleasant, so be sure to look at this list of people to avoid. They will suck up your valuable time in trivial and wastefulconversation, usually about airplanes. Sometimes they talk about sign language, but only to find out the signs for insulting phrases. They are the

PEOPLE WITH NO LIVES

Do everything you can to avoid any and all contact with these "people". Some of the links may be bad now, but this can only be described as a Good Thing. Don't give any of them the time of day if you can help it.

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